Metacognition
06/01/2020
Year Long Journey
"Nothing gold can stay."
-Fitz
This year was, something. I started my journey as an 8th grade writer with the feeling in the back of my mind, theres no way people like what I write. No way at all. I was writing, but I didn't enjoy it, it didn't change anything about my life, it was just school work. I realize now why. It took writing about thing that I truly feel strongly about, it took the freedom of choice writing to discover myself. Before this year I had no clue who I was, no clue at all. I used to think about things, and not be able to move on. I had no way to channel myself, no way to express anything, joy, anger, sadness and more. I was trapped in a shell, and thanks to Fitz, I am at last free. I still am sad and angry at times, but finally, I know how to cope with it. I know who I am now. I thought I was just another kid, everything is great in life, politics and global issues have no influence, I was just another shell of a person. The discoveries I made about myself this year will change my life forever. I know how to escape from everything now. I will be using the tools, the strategies and the realizations I made and was taught, for the rest of my life. This year was something, it has its ups and downs, many downs actually. But this year was life changing.
Back in the beginning of the year, I was just another Fenn student, I had everything handed to me on a silver platter, but as Fitz says, "Nothing gold can stay," I realize how true that is now. All of a sudden everything went downhill, the promising start to my year became a promising start to the upcoming failure I expected. My grandma passing away changed my life, and not in a good way. I became distant, and had no clue how to cope with it. I tried escaping through forgetting, but that doesn't work, at least for me. I had to discover a "loophole" and find a way out of this hole I was digging for myself. Things were getting worse every day, my grades were slipping, my homework was late, every day, I thought the whole world wanted to see me loose the game we all know as life. I now know that the only thing against me, was myself, I wasn't letting me move on, I got caught up in the sad and forgot that there was another way of life, greeting the world with a smile, instead of tears. I know making that realization wouldn't have changed anything, because I didn't know how to change anything. I needed to discover myself, not who everyone wanted me to be, but who I wanted to be. I needed to let go of all the pain, I needed to restart. I didn't know how. I was lost. I got stuck thinking, if only I could have been there, if only I cherished that last good bye, if only I was better. If only. Those are the questions that tear us apart, they ruin everything. It a slap to the face to shake these thoughts off, a slap of literature, music and writing. It took the knowledge of how to explain why you are sad, to cure my sadness. The sadness is not over, it wont for a long, long time. But I know, if I had a long day, I can escape, there is a pause button in this game called life.
Towards the second half of the year, I was nearly through the trenches and mountains blocking my path in life, I was so close. I became over confident, the worst thing to do in any game, especially life. I kept thinking, this is starting to get easy, I was dealt pocket aces, and my next hand was horrible. I forgot that there was a jail in the game of life, I forgot that escaping gets harder every time. My homework started getting submitted later and later, my mom caught on, and I was broken, even my mom doesn't want me to thrive, my selfish mind thought, I feel so stupid for even thinking that, it was all my fault for my moms anger, she only wanted me to become a better person, but I was caught up in myself, again, I was stuck in jail and couldn't roll doubles or pay the fee to escape. The feeling of not knowing whats wrong, but not being able to fix it, is the wort feeling. Nothing even comes close. Nothing. Thats what I was feeling, I forgot the power writing carries, I completely forgot, again. It took another slap to the face to get me out of this slump, this time by the Fenn grade book and my parents. I finally escaped, than Corona happened. I could basically copy and paste everything I just wrote, and it would have fit perfectly. I ended up escaping, hopefully for the last time for a while.
I know being sad and angry is part of life, there is no escape, but now I have a get out of jail free card, writing, music, and books. Life is a game played by all, but so many of us give in to the downsides of it, we forget what pocket aces feel like, we forget theres another side, a little aspiration and time and you can escape. Its hard, harder than anything to escape, but when you find your get out of jail free card, it goes much smoother.
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